it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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