if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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