I accidentally had phone sex last night
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize