He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
