tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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