I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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