I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize