i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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