I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
