if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
