I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
