how can u be prego again
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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