I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
