Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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