Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize