Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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