Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
