just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
