Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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