Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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