someone threw a dead crab at me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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