thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
