Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
