Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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