I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
