how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
