You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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