party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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