I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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