I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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