Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
