Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
