I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
