I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
