Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
it was like having sex with a tree stump
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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