Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
