Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
