My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
