i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
