awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Let's get the cat blown out
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize