I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
