I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
This house was built for laser tag.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
