I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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