My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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