hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
