mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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