After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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