I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I checked into jail on foursquare
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
