chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
