he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
