My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im part way to drunk.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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