peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
