i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
