Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
