Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
