Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
