you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
