the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
