We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
His hands were made for my vagina.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
as a side note pls kill me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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