I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I am spending my child support on dildos
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
