The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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