new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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