You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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