DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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