Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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