Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
