So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
how do you play pong handcuffed?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
