Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
