i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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