Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
