My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
